I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
