He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
