Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Randomize
