checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
