oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Drake has all the answers
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
