in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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