A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
