fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
