well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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