i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
