I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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