yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
