I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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