It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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