I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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