i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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