good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
