I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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