So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
