It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
