sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
