Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
