I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
