it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
