this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
