I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
