Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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