I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize