Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
