My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
