If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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