Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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