I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
