you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
