1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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