Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
