What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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