Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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