i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
