We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
