I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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