My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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