My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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