I hate all girls vehemently.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
