Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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