i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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