there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
