My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
