I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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