that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
