The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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