He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
