i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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