It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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