she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
