i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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