happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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