So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
