i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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