Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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