Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
